We all need it. We all want it. Very few of us get it. Enough time without it and you REALLY start to realize it’s worth. This week was a huge eye opener to me in how much I need “ME” time, even when I think I’m on point when it comes to self care.
I have an incredibly stressful job. I work from home so social interaction with co workers ( at least ones I WANT to talk to) is minimal. I was just reassigned to new region and to say my new boss and I didn’t hit it off is beyond an understatement. I’m hourly not salary so the constant need for offsetting bills and legal fees drives me (along with the inability to say no ) to working 60-70 hours a week. The work load also requires it. The pressure and stress feel immeasurable. Since I work from home, my options for promotions and growth is minimal. I could go into my 592 reasons why I’m hanging on to this job and not wanting to give up my salary and profound flexibility but that would be an entire blog in itself.
It’s no secret that we are 3 calendar years, 18 months, and probably at least $60,000 into legal fees in visitation/child support/contempt court non sense ( also enough to fill its own blog post). I can even begin to explain what that’s doing to my marriage and my sanity.
Add in our mortgage, our house, bills, his needs, her needs, obligations, traveling for work the past 5 weeks, our dog, vehicles not starting when we are downtown, family, computers crashing, friends, laundry ( how many ppl are living in our house again because it really appears there’s far more than two!), hustling, bustling, and down right insane madness. How have I even survived this long?!?!
My husband and I are also both going through something personal that I’m really not ready to share yet ( rest assured, it’s not an affair or glorified scandal) but it’s something we are both struggling with that is breaking me and becoming quite the avoidable topic with him.
You ever have one of those weeks where you just know Monday morning ( okay you got me! actually Sunday night!), that you’re just going to have one of those days, be in one of those moods, and be so irritable and grumpy – that even you don’t want to be around yourself? That was me. Not just Monday. Not just Tuesday. Every fricking day this week ( as I’m typing this on Wednesday).
It started Sunday when I tried to bring up the “unspeakable topic” that left me upset and emotional while he felt defeated and feeling bad his response was less than sympathetic to my needs. We struggled into the evening, somewhat talking it out but we both went to sleep knowing I was still an emotional wreck and he still felt like the worlds biggest jerk.
Monday morning comes. I oversleep and wake up just in this crazy grumpy mood. I have an appointment I’m dreading. I log into work and two days enough from monster boss is just not enough. I drag through my morning and make my appointment ( actually on time for once) as I’m fielding calls and juggling deals closing on time. Appointment had a far better outcome than what I expected, so there was a little pep in step as I grabbed Starbucks and headed home to suffer through the day. The evening was rough. Husband was exhausted and I was just wanting to be alone while he wanted to spend time together. After a few episodes I retreated to a hot bath, he fell asleep convinced I was going to fall asleep I’d been so long in the tub ( in all honestly I was waiting to go back to bed until he fell asleep).
Tuesday didn’t start out much better than Monday. By 9:00 am I was in tears and ready to walk out. I finally stopped and asked myself, “ why do I do this to myself?” “Why do I not take a break and recharge?” “Why do I let others ( and honestly sometimes myself) run myself into the ground?” And in that moment, I decided I was done for week. D-O-N-E.
I emailed my boss and told her I was taking two personal days and that I wouldn’t be working Thursday and Friday. ME!!! I did that! Miss Never Say No. Miss Never Not Be Available. Miss Only Take A Personal Day Because Someone Else Needs Me Too. I truly can’t even reflect back on time I have taken off of work in probably the last three years that was truly an R&R day for myself. Let alone two.
And for probably one of the only times in my life, I didn’t feel bad. I didn’t feel guilty. I didn’t think twice. I didn’t wonder what work was going to do without me. I didn’t worry about who was going to cover for me ( or not cover for me for lack of better describing my time out of the office ). I honestly did not care if I even came back to a job.
I even text my husband, “ I’m taking Thursday and Friday off for ME!!!!!!” ( which resulted in an immediate call to make sure I hadn’t hit my head or needed to seek immediate medical attention).
Sooooo here I am. On a Wednesday night. With a four day weekend on the horizon. With absolutely frickinlutely no plans for the next 48 hours. Sipping wine. Without a care in the world. And it feels AMAZING!
I encourage you to look at your life, what you’re surviving, what you’re up against, and what you can fit in for YOU. I totally understand not everyone can take two days off. Can afford to miss work. Or can just shut down. But if you can – do it. If you can’t, find some you time. A long walk. A long lunch. A hour after work. Leave work an hourly early. Get your husband to tuck in the kids and take a long hot bath. Retreat to watch your favorite show after the house is quiet and everyone is asleep. And most of all- DON’T FEEL ONE BIT BAD for wanting it, needing it, or enjoying it.
Until next time…..